Musing… Spiritual Equilibrium [I]

Oh how I’ve suffered to come to terms with spirituality! I’ve been Christian, then atheist, then agnostic, Christian again, almost Buddhist, almost Muslim… I’ve always been curious. My travails in the search for “spiritual equilibrium” have been many but I got there. I’m not unshakable yet, but I’m firmly planted. 

When I reached my “spiritual equilibrium”, some of the things I decided were

1. Never to judge another person for her/his belief/or lack of belief, and

2. To be very careful about about sharing my ideas about my spirituality with others

Some of my friends have realized that I very rarely engage in discussions or arguments about religion or atheism. I made these decisions because I know how painful and difficult my journey was. I remember all the doubts, fears, judgmental treatment and tears. I never want to put another person through that.

What set me off on my journey to find equilibrium? Simple. Too much reading. Too much thinking. Too much questioning. Too much suspicion. Too much thinking. Well, that’s what I thought at the time, that it was too much. I remember praying to God and asking him to make me stupid, so I could accept everything I was told in church. (funny times)

Now I’m thankful for my stubborn mind, and I’m glad God didn’t listen 🙂 

And even though things are much better, it’s still hard for me sometimes.

I still have to fight the irritation and anger that rises in my heart when some people (especially my Christian squad) try to “teach” or “advise” me and force myself to listen.

I still have fantasies about publicly disgracing those “Good Girls and Boys” by spilling “secrets” I know about them (LOL)

…but it’s all good.  

The irritation and anger is almost almost gone. It’s been replaced by pity for those people who are constantly plagued by guilt because of the pressure to pretend that they are living lives that they know they aren’t living…

 

End of Part 1

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